What’s up, Buttercups?
I found this film and I forced myself to watch it. As the title suggests it’s a bad film within a bad film and the bad starts immediately. No pause or false start. Just head first into the bad.
It starts in a limo with someone recording themselves on a digital camera giving a “look where I am now” smugness speech. He’s on the way to the premier of his new movie “Darkness Reigns”. It’s a documentary about a tragedy that happened making a film called… Defanatus Soul.
We jump from a cryptic on stage message from the film maker talking about all the “weird” things he saw and recorded – many of which he kept out of the movie (because fuck authenticity in a documentary, I guess?) – to the production office before shooting.
The director’s a tool. He’s an A Grade, Government Certified tool, gushing over the female lead because she has a horror fan base and “isn’t afraid to show her tits!” He then has to cast female ghosts online leaving with the line “They have to show their tits!”
I don’t know if he’s supposed to be a caricature of ‘sleazy’ directors or an actual sleazy director.
There’s a hilarious moment where he talks about getting Casper van Dien to play the lead (he’s in the movie but if he has more than 10 minutes screen time I’d be shocked). He goes through a list of everyone who turned down the role (naming Christian Slater, all the Baldwins and even Al Paccino) before finishing with “But Casper was our first choice.”
There’s discussion about the location scouted for the movie being haunted and some underwhelming footage of a door closing by itself. Which the director dismisses before being called the sceptic – that heavy handed foreshadowing just gave me a concussion.
We jump to a hotel room where Daniel (our film maker from the opening played by Zachary Mooren) is awake. He’s recording on his phone – which is a nice touch, I’ll admit. But I’m guessing phones are all going to be useless later on some how.
On the TV is a talk show which has the medium Sidney Barnes (Peter Mayer) as a guest star. He sticks his head tino the hallway after hearing laughter. Oh, look Sidney’s there with a bottle of booze and two pretty girls with him because… everyone is sleazy?
He blows off Daniel, who has a question, because… everyone is also a dick.
We jump to a car shot. There’s a massive blast of static on the radio that comes out of nowhere. So, 15 minutes in and we have our first jump scare.
We’re introduced to Casper. Who gives the behind-the-scenes guys a few simple ground rules and is made to sound like a total diva because… everyone is a dick.
17 minutes in and this film has a major problems:
1) No transitions. Not everything needs one but when you cut from one scene to a different scene this often with nothing connecting them you notice.
2) Nothing is introduced! This is the biggest problem. No introductions for locations or times or characters on screen like documentaries usually have. How are you supposed to weave a narrative together when everything’s disjointed?
3) Everyone talks about how ‘creepy’ the hotel is but no one tells us why. It’s haunted but no one has done the research. There is no backstory to justify the hotel’s abandonment or huanting.
4) Everyone is a dick.
Was this film written by a time travelling teen? The dialogue feels so forced! I heard someone call something “dope” several times and told Daniel and Aaron (played by Ford Fanter) to “check out make-up, there is some bitching things going on”… just what? Who still said that in 2017?
There are a couple of good shots. A ghost in a mirror shot caught in passing and then a close up of a mostly naked actress getting made-up whose eyes abruptly flash blue.
We have a sit down interview with Sidney and he treads the line between trying to be funny and, again, being a dick… all while dumping exposition about dark forces and trapped spirits.
A few spooky things happen; weird voices, camera glitches that look like things from another world… and an amazingly weird interview with Casper van Dien. He gets a little jumpy when he’s asked about ghosts and brings up how ‘spooky’ the hotel is… but without going into why.
The interview is followed by an on camera talk with Daniel. He talks about how bad the movie they’re filming is. All through this there are people in the back of shot and you get the feeling you should be watching them. You’re rewarded with watching Casper van Dien getting blasted from the balcony and bouncing his head off of a chandelier. It’s fucking hysterical!
All the electronics go out; including all phones (called it) but oddly not the camera.
After that… the dark force kills pretty much everyone in one go. Apart from a tiny group.
There’s a great visual effect as one man burns from the inside on camera. Then we’re left with five survivors. Daniel – who never drops the camera. Vanessa (Linara Washington) – the make-up artist. Rebecca (Jennifer Wenger) – the leading lady. Aaron and Sidney the medium.
We lose Rebecca to demon possession. She does a great job moving like a feral animal but the vocal effects are hokey: a fuck-ton of reverb but the lip syncing is first rate.
40 minutes in and most of the cast is dead.
To steal a phrase from Will Ferrell… That escalated quickly.
The demon tricks Aaron; showing him his dead mother.
Another great shot. You see the illusion on the bed but when you face the mirror, she’s gone. The special effects and make-up create a gruesome sight of her standing and having her guts fall out but that highlights a problem for the film. The effects and make up and shot selection can be great… but too often it leaves much to be desired.
There’s another mirror shot. We see Daniel’s legs clung to be demon girls. It’s obviously the best effect the team had and they use it like a crutch! This is the third use and second in minutes.
The pacing for this film is off. It front ends a lot of the action and slows down. Just as the film should be ramping up, it comes to almost a complete halt. Rules and conventions of most horror films live, by are twisted – which I’m not against when done well but they aren’t.
The walls bleed shit, more scary whispers and a recreation/homage to the haunted bar in The Shining. There’s a decent jump scare involving a rendition of “Danny Boy” and then we are firmly into the finale.
Daniel confesses to making a deal with a demon to become a famous film maker. Followed by the revelation that he needs to take a life in order for his deal to be upheld. Considering he’s on stage at the start of the movie… we all know where this is going. There is a rather graphic shot of him strangling Vanessa with his Set-Pass lanyard. Then we just back to the screening as he finishes his little speech as the movie ends.
The film in total is… disappointing.
There are times when it tries to be shocking and a couple of the shots are interesting.
But the climax is… so anti-climatic.
It’s not scary, the story isn’t compelling, the twist is boring and the acting is like water – it’s okay but there isn’t any flavour. It’s not good enough to make the situation feel tense but it’s not bad enough to rank as a B-Movie throw back.
It’s a bad found footage movie stuck between two thin slices of man ex-positing to audience. If you have 75 minutes to kill with no paint to watch dry or grass to watch grow… close your eyes and take a nap.
RTJ
Trouble With Reviews 